Rising Above Mediocrity
by Benjamin Geiger

After my rather disappointing experience at Peace River last time, I didn’t have much hope for the next visit. In a sense, that lack of hope was somewhat warranted, though this visit was much better than the first visit. After a relatively short wait (compared to last time), I got to speak to a counselor who actually listened and appeared to respect my atheism. I wasn’t able to speak to a psychiatrist, though. They’re going to call me back. Eventually.

I did, however, get a chance to see a psychiatrist, very briefly, through Lakeland Volunteers in Medicine. I had to fill out about four pages of paperwork for LVIM, then a further seven or eight for the doctor himself; the forms requested by the doctor delved into some rather personal areas of life, but I’m not really a private person (as evidenced by the very blog you’re reading).

The actual visit with the doctor lasted about two minutes, long enough for him to scan over the note sheet one of the counselors had prepared and write out the prescription. Basically, since he’s there for four hours per week (on a volunteer basis), he has to see as many people as possible in that time, and the others do most of the prep work.

But anyway, I have a renewed prescription for Lexapro (though I’ve been taking the leftovers from last time for almost a month now). I actually began noticing an effect yesterday… interesting how a drug can take weeks to build up, but once it’s built up, the effect goes from nothing to full in a matter of hours…

I finally went to the local mental health institution for what I thought would be an appointment with a psychiatrist.

First of all, the place is damn near impossible to find. I had to call and ask for directions.

The entire building is decorated in that ever-so-wonderful ‘government chic’ style; cinderblock walls, plain white everything, nasty plastic chairs… think of the worst DMV you’ve ever had to visit, and you’ll know what this place was like. (It’s odd, since this is a private clinic.) And the noise was unbearable. Some part of their climate control was rumbling, with the rumble pulsating every few seconds, just enough to make sure you can’t tune it out.

My appointment was at 2PM. I arrived at 2:05 or so, because I got lost on the way there. After waiting in line for ten minutes, I was given a checklist of symptoms and had to give them my ‘insurance’ card and ID. There were approximately 50 symptoms listed, and I have about half. (I could even recognize which problems they were looking for: one group was for depression, one was for mania, one was for anxiety, one was for addiction, etc.)

They finally called my name at 2:45 or so. I was taken into a back room and the ‘counselor’ asked me a few questions. At some point, I happened to mention that I was an atheist. This led to a fifteen minute long religious browbeating. I just did what I always do and zoned out; it’s not worth arguing, because nobody listens to reason.

Anyway, what really pissed me off was when I told that not only would I not be seeing a psychiatrist today, I wouldn’t even get to see one on my next visit. Apparently, they can’t just listen to the other counselors (and psychiatrists) I’ve dealt with; they have to do their own ‘diagnosis’. (You know, when they hear “I’ve tried to commit suicide”, how the fuck do they come up with a ‘diagnosis’ other than depression?)

My next appointment is in two weeks, at 10:30 AM (when my work doesn’t start until 5:30 PM). So, it’ll be at least a month before I actually get to talk to somebody who can actually help me. Until then I have to deal with the idiots and the religious freaks.

Yes, that’s right… Bonnie and I went to her doctor, and it’s conclusive: we’re going to be parents.

Update [1 Apr 2006, 21:45 EST]: This has been a regularly scheduled test of the Emergency April Fool Pregnancy Scare Test. If this were an actual pregnancy scare, I would be planning a wedding right now. (Yes, I still have some semblence of honor.)

I’m saddened to report that Amanda lost her battle with cancer at approximately 11AM EST, Tuesday, 10 January 2006.

Amanda’s condition has gone downhill rapidly; they’re giving her a few days to live, at most.

Quick entry this time, I’m in a hurry.

Dad almost passed out last night on the way to work, so his coworker took him to the ER in Celebration, FL. The test results came back that he likely had a heart attack and they’re transferring him to the Florida Hospital branch in Orlando, where they have a catheterization lab.

I’m on the way there as soon as I finish writing this. More details as I can get them posted.

Update (11:30 AM, 7 Nov 2005):

More news.

Dad came through the operation with flying colors. He now has three stents in his coronary arteries. Apparently, his condition was severe enough for him to be flown from Celebration Health to Florida Hospital for treatment. Right now (11:40 AM, 7 Nov) he’s in the heart catheterization recovery room at the Florida Hospital center in Orlando.

(Note to self: boredom plus free cappucino equals caffeine overdose. Yikes.)

I’ve cancelled my meeting at 1PM, and my office hours from 2PM to 5PM. It’s unclear whether I’ll make it to my class at 6PM, but that’s not a big problem. (Update: made it to class, had a test, made a 98. Whee.)

Update (1:00 AM, 9 Nov 2005):

Dad’s still being held for observation, and I have no idea when he’ll be released. His temperature is up to 101F and he didn’t explain why when I called.

That’s about all the news I can think of right now. More updates as information becomes available.

Last Monday, I went to DisneyQuest for my usual workout session (a few hours playing Pump It Up), when I was met with a shock: the machines were gone! I panicked. As I flew up the stairs, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief as I saw my three trusty electronic friends sitting in an isolated section of the fourth floor, overlooking the “Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blaster” rink.

There’s more! (click here to read)

As I mentioned in my earlier entry, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist just over a week ago. I was assigned to Dr. Mukjarhea.

After an hour or so, the conclusions (as I remember them) are that not only do I have depression, but also anxiety. Honestly, the anxiety doesn’t sound right—I answered a questionnaire that seemed to overinflate that—but the depression does.

There’s more! (click here to read)

Last Thursday, after much urging by some friends and some missed walk-in attempts, I visited the counseling center at my school.

After waiting a short time (the counselor was in a meeting), we had about a 45 minute discussion, and the conclusions—as I remember them—are that not only am I depressed, but also very introverted. I’m not so sure about that one, but I figure she knows what she’s talking about. The image that sticks out most in my mind is sitting in the chair, hunched over, staring at the wall, and practically apologizing for hunching over and staring at the wall instead of sitting up straight and making eye contact.

Anyway, she referred me to the counseling center on the the main campus, in Tampa, to speak to a psychiatrist. It’s possible that I could end up with a prescription for an antidepressant, or something else. Of course, it’s also possible that I could end up being told to ’snap out of it’, like I’ve been told all my life.

My appointment at the counseling center is today at 2PM. I’ll post an update later.

As of today, my trend-weight is 289.3 pounds, meaning I’m 29.3 pounds from the goal I set in my New Year’s resolution.

The funniest part is that I’ve been cheating like mad on my diet. In fact, on the way home yesterday I had a large Filet-o-Fish meal, then I had a Mike’s Hard Lemonade when I got back to the house. Maybe all the exercise is doing it.