[Originally posted here, on the UserFriendly.org web forum.]
(In Which The Author Laments The Dichotomy Of Virtual And Physical Life.)
It’s obvious that I don’t get along well in the Real World. If all you know of me is what you see here, it may be hard to understand why.
(Note: this entry is being written under the influence of a great deal of whisky and emo.)
So, a couple of days ago, Bonnie emailed me asking if I wanted to visit MOSI. As we had been planning to go for some time, I readily agreed. Frankly, I was looking forward to it.
I drove there today (it’s about 75 miles from my house, in Tampa) and we met up. As soon as we stepped inside, into the welcome center, we sat down and she started giving me the Friends Speech: I’m just not in love with you, but I hope we can be friends, blah blah fucking blah. I don’t remember much of what happened after that; I literally didn’t move for about ten or fifteen minutes, as I was still trying to come to terms with what I was hearing. She left early on.
Eventually I walked back to my car, by myself, and drove home.
I don’t really know how to feel. The usual suspects are all there—pain, anger, sadness—but, if I had to describe what I feel right now… it’d be emptiness. There’s a gaping hole. I really don’t feel anything very strongly. (That’s only partially due to the whisky.)
I still don’t know what to think, either. It came as quite a shock—I thought things were going fine—but in retrospect, I think I understand how she behaved at some points. She never seemed as ‘into’ anything we did as I was, and most of the times we went out, we went out with her friends and I felt like a fifth wheel.
In my more assholish moments, I’ve wondered whether she was merely keeping me around as an academic tutor, and now that she doesn’t need my help, she lets me go… though I doubt that. My guess is that she was in the same situation I was: lonely, desperate, searching for someone who would look past the physical attributes to see what’s inside, trying to find someone willing to accept us for who we were instead of who society wanted us to be. The difference is that I genuinely wanted to be with her. In a sense, I still do.
Despite this, I don’t think I could trust her enough to go back. She broke my heart already, and even if she did come back, I couldn’t imagine myself putting myself in that position again. I’m willing to be friends, and we’ll see what happens.
Just when I thought I had left Magic and AD&D behind… they sneak up on me again.
Nice guys finish last. That’s still true.
However, when we finish, we finish forever. We’re more likely to be Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right-Now. Don’t make the mistake I made of assuming women can’t see that.
I know it hurts to watch others having fun while you feel left out in the cold. But when things change—and they will—it’ll be better than the jocks can even dream of. What you’ll have is true love, not just the series of flings jocks get.
I know. I’m in the same situation. And things just changed for me. I’ve never been this happy before.
I love you, Bonnie.
(Entry reposted from the User Friendly message board.)
I’ve been hanging out with a girl I know (I’ll refer to her as Bonnie, because that’s her name) for a while now. We’ve seen movies together, gone to clubs together, and we see quite a bit of each other over the past few months. A couple of months ago, I told her how I felt about her. She basically gave me the “let’s be friends” speech, with a side of “it’s not you, it’s me”… but I believe it because of her situation. (She’s significantly overweight and it has given her some self-esteem issues.)
Last night, we went out to a club to celebrate the graduation of one of her friends. Things got a bit wild. I was the designated driver, and somehow even I became much less inhibited than usual… more significantly than when I do drink. (Even drinking doesn’t usually reduce my inhibitions by much… either that or it takes a lot more alcohol to get me drunk… or both.) A few times, on the dance floor, we engaged in some… ahem… less-than-FYOSS dancing. [”FYOSS” is a concept used at the UF message board. It refers to things that are “Fourteen-Year-Old-Sister Safe”; in other words, things you wouldn’t mind your proverbial little sister seeing.]
If you’ll excuse the navel-gazing, I’d like to take a look back at what happened of significance in my life in the last year. (If you won’t excuse the navel-gazing… why the hell are you reading my blog?)