Rising Above Mediocrity
by Benjamin Geiger

(No, the answer is not “open mouth, pour liquid in, close mouth, swallow”.)

I’ve been pondering the logistics of alcohol lately. Not because I have any particular interest in the alcohol itself, but rather because I have an interest in the social atmosphere common in drinking establishments. More specifically, it’s time to jump into the alcohol-fueled meat market. Luckily, an acceptable one is close by: there’s a group of nightclubs about 20 miles from my house, collectively called “Pleasure Island”. (It’s part of Walt Disney World. I kid you not.) I go there on a regular basis but I still can’t understand how things work.

I’ll get into my problems understanding protocol there at a later time. Right now, there’s something preliminary that needs to be resolved: transportation. It’s a sticking point that I cannot seem to resolve. Since DUI is very illegal (and very, very stupid), I cannot figure out how I would go about getting a date back to my house.

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If you have a blog, you should too.

Earlier today, this entry contained only this:

I’ve been fat most of my life. I’ve also been socially inept my whole life.

Until recently, I’ve been able to convince myself that the reason most people don’t like me is because I’m so fat. But now I’ve lost weight and people still don’t like me. So it finally struck me.

I’m not a pathetic loser because I’m fat. I’m a pathetic loser who just happens to be fat.

While it reflects how I felt at the time of writing, I apologize for posting it. In other words, I feel better now and it’s not accurate anymore.

For the past week or two, I’ve been having significant mood swings. On one hand, there were times when I actually felt good; I was happy and confident, something I don’t remember being for many years. On the other, I had periods of melancholy, including a few points when I considered suicide. (Yes, I know, I’m sorry, but it’s true.)

I seem to be back to my usual apathetic Simon-and-Garfunkel-esque “neutral” mood. While it’s not even nearly as good as I was feeling for a time, it’s better than what I’ve been going through.

And as soon as I can figure out how to make it possible, I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist, because something is seriously wrong here.

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
But they’re not fooling me
I know it isn’t true, know it isn’t true
Love is just a lie, made to make you blue
Love hurts…
     — Nazareth, “Love Hurts”

Last night, Janine informed me that she didn’t think internet relationships “counted”, and that she had found some local boy, and that she still wanted to be friends.

Bullshit, whatever, and fuck no.

She was lying to me from day one, letting me believe that what we had was real… but when she found someone local who could give her a slap and a tickle, she left me behind.

It won’t happen again.

I may be her friend again; I don’t know that yet. I might even be willing to be a friend with benefits. But there will be no romance between us ever again. And I say this to my local readers (I know there’s at least one of you)… if I mention getting back together with her, I want you to smack me. Hard. Don’t let me fall back into this trap.

Update (2:45 PM, 13 June): We’ve talked some more, and we’re friends again, but never more than that. I’ve forgiven… but I won’t forget.

Every so often I find a song that just sums up how I feel. For the past couple of weeks, this song has given me goosebumps, even more than usual.

Promise

by Kellie Coffey
from the Walt Disney World Millennium Celebration

Every evening brings an ending, every day becomes a legacy
Every sunset leads to morning, with a promise of opportunity
We can reach for the stars we find along the way
Dreaming as we learn to love everyday
Promise you will take my hand
As tomorrow comes, we’ll go on

We’ll go on, growing closer through the years
Moving on, through the good times and the tears
Ever on, another thousand circles ’round the sun
If two can be as one, we’ll go on

There is music, if you listen, in the rhythm of each breath we take
Destinations undiscovered, revelations from every choice we make
And I know there are diamonds dancing in the sky
All we have to do is open our eyes
Promise we’ll walk side by side
As a new day dawns, we’ll go on

We’ll go on, growing closer through the years
Moving on, through the good times and the tears
Ever on, another thousand circles ’round the sun
A new life has begun, the two of us as one, we’ll go on
Moving on, through the good times and the tears
Ever on, another thousand circles ’round the sun
A new life has begun, when two of us are one, and we live to keep the promise…

We’ll go on… ever on… we’ll go on…

I love you, Janine.

A lot has happened in the past few weeks, and I’ve been too busy (read: lazy) to write about it.

Most notably, my brother got married. I traveled to northern Georgia to be there for him. They were going to marry much later (sometime in October, if memory serves) but given Amanda’s poor health, they decided to wed now. I have many photographs. I was one of Josh’s two best men, alongside his best friend. I also had to work as a sound technician; since there was no CD player in the area, we had to park a car across the river from the ceremony and use the stereo system along with my iPod.

Oh, and I caught the garter, too. I’m hoping that it’s a sign, since I’m in love. I’ve alluded to this in an earlier entry, but what I thought would be an unrequited love has turned into a relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

Her name is Janine, and she also has Asperger’s syndrome, along with a host of other conditions. The biggest problem facing us now is that I live in Florida and she lives in New Zealand. We’ve spoken on the phone, though; prepaid calling cards are relatively inexpensive. (I have one that costs 1.9 cents per minute with a $0.39 surcharge per call.) I’ve linked to her blog in my sidebar, but she has another website here.

I’m trying to figure out how to get myself over to New Zealand to see her. She’ll be coming here in a year or so, but I don’t want to wait that long. The lowest price I’ve found is USD $1,200 round-trip airfare, not including expenses while there. I’m not too proud to accept donations… (hint hint)

School is much the same as ever. Going to class, working, same ol’.

I guess that’s about it, for now. I’ll try to be more timely with these updates.