Author’s Note:
This entry originally appeared on my blog on 3 November 2005. I thought it was particularly funny. What was even funnier was how many people refused to read the post and added comments asking me to send them an application… even after Wal-Mart added one.
In retrospect, I wonder how many comments, both on the original post and on mine, were examples of Poe’s Law. Some of these people seem too stupid to remember to breathe.

Wal-Mart has no online job application form for store-level work. (Update (2006-10-02): They added one.) According to IO ERROR, they do have forms for work in their data center (northern California) or management-level work, but to work in the store, you have to go in person to apply at the kiosk.

(Not that I’m encouraging anyone to work at Wal-Mart. Their record  [clarification: their worker's rights record – BG] is particularly craptacular.)

Despite being repeatedly told—both in the entry and prior comments—that IO ERROR’s entry was not posted by Wal-Mart, is not on Wal-Mart’s website, and is not an application, people continued to post requests for applications as comments. Most of these requests had horrifying grammar and spelling. A few choice examples:

“charnelle benson” wrote:

i would like to put in a application in at wal-mart i have been trying to fine a now for two years and i haven’t fined one yet and its real hord trying to fine a job in like a little town called marlin evrything is all tokeing and im hopeing wal-mart is not so if you can plz send me and application i would be so greatful think you for your time Charnelle Benson age 17 [address omitted] plz e-mail me bye

Well, at least she’s polite. If she doesn’t get a job at Wal-Mart, maybe she could become a spokesperson for Hooked on Phonics… after all, “Huked on Foniks wurked fore mi!”

Oh, and one more thing… under most circumstances, when things are “all tokeing”, it’s not a good idea to admit such publically, lest the DEA or FBI be listening.

“ninos odisho” wrote:

i�m 18 m looking for job in walmart
i�m in high school 12 gread
i live in modesto california
if u have job in modesto or cears walmart
please send me application

I see his high school doesn’t have particularly high standards for English.

An attribute very common to the “please send a application kthxbye” comments is a lack of capitalization. One has to wonder whether shift keys are ritually disabled by teenagers.

“Tiesha Bryant” wrote:

I’m a 19 year old Female looing for a job from 12:30am until

Yes, that’s the whole comment. Not exactly the best way to show potential employers that one can finish what one starts, I suppose.

And here’s my favorite comment of them all:

“STEVE” wrote:

wal mart i kneed a jog pleeze. if u hav any openings in uper managment i coold do dat. im 19. email me an aplication

Maybe this is too lowly a concept for your brilliant executive mind to comprehend, but as a general rule, someone who wants a position in upper management needs to be able to spell “upper management”. In fact, being able to spell any word longer than 3 letters will help.

A basic grasp of capitalization and punctuation is generally needed as well; believe it or not, your secretary won’t take care of all of that for you. Even a fifth-grade writing level would be an improvement here. (I’ve seen the writing of some of my fellow USF students [I've since graduated – BG], and I’ll tell you that they’re not necessarily Pulitzer material, but they’re not this bad.)

Somehow I doubt a 19 year old is headed directly to the boardroom. Mailroom (or in this case, stockroom), perhaps.

Not all Wal-Mart employees are this bad; after all, they did manage to actually apply for the job. Many [actually, make that 'almost all' – BG] Wal-Mart employees are competent and interested in what they’re doing. However, there’s always that minority of morons who seem to make their presence known whenever possible. It’s clear that for some of these people, the wheel’s still spinning, but the hamster’s dead. I would venture to say that anyone who posted to IO ERROR’s entry looking for a job falls into this category. I guess it’s better that they didn’t figure it out.